New and old jokes about the army

2024 Author: Leah Sherlock | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 05:25

You probably know a lot of funny jokes about the army. This article will help you replenish your baggage of humor. Here are collected only the funniest jokes about the army.

Combat vehicle crew

The commander built a company of tankers and asks them: "Who can tell me what is the most important thing in a tank?". One soldier takes a step forward and says: "The main thing in a tank is the muzzle." The commander replies: "Figulo! Wrong answer! I ask again: what is the most important thing in a tank?" The second soldier takes a step forward and answers: "Comrade commander! The most important thing in a tank is the turret!" The commander is again dissatisfied: "Bullshit! The answer is wrong! Remember, fighters! In a tank, the main thing is not to crap yourself!".

Here is one of the latest army jokes. The grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandfather, did you shoot down the plane?". The old man replies: "Me!". The boy says: "So, this is our Soviet plane!" Grandfather says (with a German accent): "Oh, me, me, naturlich! Soviet plane! Oh, me, me!".

Fatigue Remedy

Family members often become heroes of jokes about the army and the militarymilitary personnel.

Ensign returns home from service. His wife complains about life: “Today she was so exhausted, so exhausted that she didn’t even sit down even once!” Husband in a commanding voice: "Equal! Attention! One hundred squats!".

Joke about army discipline

The unit commander says to his subordinate: "Comrade senior lieutenant, would you like to get a captain?". Starley replies: "That's right, Comrade Colonel, I would like to!". The unit commander says: "Well, that's great! Go to the sobering-up station and get Captain Sidorov there!".

Unknown pages of history

History lesson at school. The teacher says: "Alexander Vasilyevich Suvorov, as you know, was very good at riding skills. Here, we see the commander on horseback." (Shows a slide). The teacher continues: "As you know, Alexander Vasilyevich Suvorov, before the battles, carefully studied the map of the area of the upcoming battle. Here we see, he bent over the battle plan." (Shows a slide). The teacher continues: "Everyone knows that Generalissimo Suvorov was very fond of Russian soldiers." Little Johnny says: "Here we see, Suvorov loves Russian soldiers."

About the draft board

Many jokes about the army are connected with the passage of the medical commission by conscripts in the military registration and enlistment office. Here is one of them.

- Can you read these letters?

- No, I can't see anything.

- Please come closer! Can you now?

- No, and now I can't.

- Move three more steps closer. BUTdo you see anything now?

- Absolutely nothing!

- Conscript, come close to the table. Can you read the letters now?

- Now with difficulty, but I can make out.

- So let's write it down: fit for hand-to-hand and bayonet combat.

According to the latest data from the Ministry of Defense, the average Russian recruit is a person with a non-traditional sexual orientation, pacifist views and suffering from flat feet.

A few more cases from army life

Also, a huge number of jokes about the army tells about soldiers who came home on vacation.

• A private comes on leave. The whole family sits at the table. During a conversation with his parents, the guy is distracted, looking out the window at the girls passing by. The mother says: “Look, father, our boy has grown up completely! He began to pay attention to women. Before the army, this was not the case. So, military service has a positive effect on the upbringing of a person!” The guy says, turning away from the window: "They are out of step! Not according to the charter!".
• Demobilization lies all day on the bunk and looks at the ceiling. The unit commander enters the barracks. I saw a private lying down, went up to him and said: “Come on, get up! The fighter turns his head and asks in surprise: "Who are you?". The commander replies: "Colonel Smirnov." Demobilization says: "I also got a good job!".

• The unit commander gathered the officers andsays: "Comrades, tomorrow the entire command staff is going fishing. Everyone should take five bottles of vodka with them! Who has any questions?" One officer stands up and says: "Comrade Colonel, the last time we went fishing, we then missed the political officer, the head of the fuel depot, and the commander of the second company. Therefore, I suggest taking four bottles of vodka." Another officer stands up and says the following: "Comrade unit commander, the last time we went fishing, we lost a car there." The colonel, after listening to these speeches, says: “I repeat once again: tomorrow the entire command staff of our unit is going fishing. Everyone should have five bottles of vodka with them. do not leave the car for anyone!".
• The company commander wakes up drunk, sees that his uniform is all dirty, calls one of the soldiers to him and says: "Yesterday, Private Ivanov came from his dismissal in an indecent form, drunk in a railcar, staggered from side to side. When I made a remark to him, he, moreover, threw up on me. I announced to him three outfits out of turn. The soldier says: "Comrade commander, this is too mild a punishment! He also shit in your pants."
• Father congratulates his son: "From February 23 to you, Vasya!". The guy says: "Yes, take your time, dad! Maybe I'll still go to university!".
• Two privates are walking along the military unit. One says to the other: "Come on, let's have fun over the ensign!". The other replies: "Yes,calm down you! We've already had fun with the rector!".