2024 Author: Leah Sherlock | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 05:25
The very thought of losing he alth scares us. And as you know, one of the few universal ways to get rid of any fear is to laugh at it. And this goal has always been successfully served by short humorous stories with an unexpected ending - anecdotes. In this case, medical topics. I think they will never lose their relevance.
Below we have collected for you a lot of jokes about doctors and their patients.
At the doctor's appointment
Many "medical" stories tell about clinics and doctor's appointments.
Two women talking:
- Here Malysheva always says on TV: before you go on a diet, do fitness or go on a trip, consult your doctor. I went yesterday to my precinct. I say: so and so, I’m going to the Seychelles, I will live in a five-star hotel with a jacuzzi, a swimming pool and a gym. Can I eat passion fruit and carambolas and what is the best wine to drink with lobster meat?
- What is he?
- Cried and sent me to hell!
A good district clinic is the one where the doctor, looking into the patient's throat, highlights himself with the tenth iPhone.
At the clinic at the reception:
- Tell me, does the urologist accept?
- Wrong word, thumps in black!
Doctor examining test sheet:
- I'm sorry, but you definitely have hepatitis…
- Huh?
- Bae…
- My wife is perfectly he althy. The doctor cured her of all her sores in a minute!
- How is it?
- He just said that all her ailments are related to approaching old age.
- Doctor, I feel bad!
- Where is the bad?
- In the anus.
- What could be good there?
At the reception:
- Doctor, but…
- Shut up! I'm listening!
- Doctor, what are these strange letters in my card - "ХЗ"?
- It's in Latin, sick. Means that the diagnosis is not yet clear.
- Doctor, I work hard like a horse, hit the ice like a fish, get tired like a dog… What should I do?
- I don't know, try going to the vet.
In the hospital
A nurse enters the room in the evening:
- Sick, wake up! Time to take your sleeping pills.
A man was hospitalized with a concussion, a dislocated arm and a broken nose. The doctor asks during the examination:
- Why are you in an accident?
- Nah, in the closetsneezed.
Doctor dictates:
- So… Sick Ivanov. Cranial Injury…
He is being corrected:
- Not cranial, but craniocerebral.
- Yes, what kind of brains are there when he came to his wife's birthday with his mistress?
The patient wakes up after the operation:
- What's wrong with me?
- You are in a car accident. You have been operated on.
- So I'm in the hospital?
- Well, mostly yes.
A man comes to the hospital. And they tell him:
- You have a girl. Three two hundred.
- You look, - he says, pulling out his wallet, - and quite inexpensive.
About surgeons
They say surgeons are like sappers. True, with a huge caveat: sappers make mistakes once in their lives, and surgeons - once, but in the life of a patient.
The surgeon asks before the operation:
- Sister, what do we have today?
- Two lungs - one fell from the fifth floor, the other was crushed by a tower crane. And one heavy one: he refused to do the dishes.
After surgery:
- Doctor, where are my legs? I can't find them!
- That's right. We amputated your arms.
A young surgeon comes straight out of college for his first operation. Pulls out smartphone:
- Ok Google, how do you remove an appendicitis?
About psychiatrists and their patients
Jokes about mental he alth professionals and their patients are also very numerous.
-To get rid of depression, think about something pleasant, the doctor advises the patient. - Have you had any joyful event lately?
- How! It was! - the patient smiles, - The neighbor bought a "Kiu" and on the very first day he crashed into a pole on it!
- Doctor, my wife is sick. She has an obsession that someone is going to steal her clothes.
- Why did you decide that?
- I saw the man she hired to guard her junk. He was sitting in her closet.
Psychiatrist says as he discharges patient:
- Congratulations, my dear. I see you are he althy and no longer consider yourself Napoleon.
- Yes, yes! Thank you very much doctor! But what about Josephine? She wants alimony!
Should I go to a psychiatrist? Ivan asked himself. Opinion divided.
Doctor, very pleased, hiding money received from his patient in the table:
- Well, my dear, my psychological problem is solved. Now let's turn to yours.
- Dear doctor! Thanks to you, I was cured of megalomania! Now I am the owner of incredible, unsurpassed, phenomenal and, dare I say it, fantastic modesty.
- Doctor, I caught a cold because of you!
- Why do you think so?
- Well, of course, you told me to refuse dinner. And I stood all night in front of the open refrigerator, I kept looking at the sausage, so it blew me away …
At the appointment with a psychotherapist:
- Doctor, uI don't have any friends at all! Just absolutely! Can you help me with something, you little, fat, smelly old man?
An autopsy will show. Black Medical Humor
Sometimes jokes about the hospital and patients sound quite angry and cynical. But this is often understood not in our country, but in other places where the patient care system is arranged quite differently.
Someone entered the room:
- Who here took your tests yesterday?
- I… - answers one patient.
- How tall are you?
- One hundred and seventy, doctor.
- I'm not a doctor, I'm a carpenter.
Call the morgue:
- Hello! Our grandfather is missing. We've been looking for three days, could you check at your place?
- Does your grandfather have special features?
- Got it! He burrs.
An operation in progress. Suddenly from under the table is heard:
- Meow!
The surgeon yells:
- Jump!
From under the table again the same:
- Meow!
Surgeon:
- Come on, shove!
Cat:
- Meow!
Doctor cutting off something from a patient and throwing it under the table:
- Come on, choke!
Telephone call:
- Hello! Tell me, did I end up in the morgue?
- No, you just called here.
-Doctor, will I live?
- What's the point?
The conclusion read: "The autopsy showed that the cause of death of Petrov A. A. was the autopsy."
Jokes about dystrophics
It is believed that these creepy stories, as another kind of jokes about medicine, developed during the lean and hungry years - in one of the most difficult times for the people. Someone else remembers that in the 80-90s of the XX century they were retold and supplemented by modern realities quite actively. It may very well be that it would be worth studying the history of the country based on jokes - jokes about dystrophics cause a slight feeling of bewilderment among modern listeners.
The dystrophics are sitting in the ward. One asks, looking around:
- Vasya, where are you? Look, Vaska is crushed by a sheet!
Dystrophics try to help the poor fellow, but no one has enough strength. After a while, one, gasping for breath, says:
- Someone run to the fifth ward for Gosha. He is strong. He wears a T-shirt.
Doctor entering the room in the morning:
- Hello Eagles!
- What are you, doctor, what kind of eagles are we?
- Who flew yesterday when the fan was turned on here?
Weigh in at the dystrophy physical:
- How much do you weigh?
- Three grams!
- And I'm five!
- And I'm eight!
- Well, you're fat!
A nurse walks past the dystrophic ward, suddenly hears a scream:
- Help! Save!
- Where are you? she asks, running into the room.
- Under the plaster, - they answer. - Bed bugs dragged us here.
Distrophic at the open window:
- Well, falling leaves again, how many good people will die under the leaves…
Medicinepaid and free
Stories describing the everyday life of Aesculapius who take money for their services become more and more relevant over time. And if the jokes about free medicine ridiculed the negligence and ignorance of doctors, the "new" jokes took on a slightly different tone.
- Sick, you have a nail in your head. It costs ten thousand to pull it out.
- But I have a policy! - he is indignant. - You owe me the operation for free!
- Free of charge, we can bend it so that it does not interfere.
At the plastic surgery clinic:
- Doctor, why is my new eye so small?
- Well, what do you want? Normal eye "Made in China".
They say that paid medicine was invented so that even he althy people have the opportunity to doubt their he alth.
- Doctor, I'm constipated!
Doctor, sighing:
- So I don’t have a Merc at all…
Sick phone calls:
- Hello! Tell me, can I call a doctor at home on credit?
- Doctor, could you find another disease in me? I can't afford this one.
Jokes about medicine and money "reached" even the pharmacy:
In just ten sessions of manual therapy, the patient lost fifty thousand dollars, which he himself considered inoperable.
- Do you have activated charcoal?
- Now activated is not released. We havethere is one - and the seller holds out the package.
The buyer picks up the medicine and reads with bewilderment the inscription: "Charcoal is not activated. You can activate the drug by sending an SMS with the word "coal" to the number…"
Announcements in medical institutions
But the best jokes about medicine are, of course, the ads that appear on the walls of medical institutions. They are hung up by he alth workers themselves, often without even suspecting how ridiculous the text of the message looks.
"Urgently required a nurse with the skills of a painter and plasterer. Contact the office number 12. Administration."
"Attention to patients! Due to the increased incidence of terrorist threats, feces for analysis are accepted only in transparent containers."
"The hose from the fire hydrant is in the enema room. The nurse has the keys."
A rally was held in the clinic and an announcement was placed on the wall: "The nurse gives a coupon to the dentist out of turn for those who have not put on shoe covers!".
On the cabinet door:
"Appointment is conducted by an ultrasound doctor of the highest category Zaletova Marianna Sergeevna".
At the registration window:
"Dear patients! Making an appointment with a doctor on the Internet is done in window No. 4. On Thursdays from 8:00 to 10:00. Bring a medical policy and passport with you."
"For patients who pay for treatment. To reach the cash desk, you must leave the building,turn left, go to the barrier. The cash desk is located in a three-story administrative building on the second floor."
We hope that the best medical jokes collected here have amused you.
Recommended:
Jokes about medicine and doctors. The funniest jokes
It is generally accepted that the most "cool" profession we have is taxi drivers. It is about them and their professional activities that a huge number of anecdotes, jokes and aphorisms are composed. But doctors confidently breathe into their backs. They, one might say, are in second place in popularity in the ranking of the most-most, and therefore we decided to devote this material entirely to jokes about medicine and everything connected with it
Jokes about Armenians: jokes, jokes, funny stories and the best jokes
While Americans are joking with Russians, Russians are making up stories about Americans. An example is the same Zadornov, better known for his age-old saying: “Well, the Americans are stupid! ..” But one of the most popular in our country has always been and probably will be jokes about Armenians, while Armenians always joke about Russians. What interesting jokes about them are in use in our country today?
Jokes about the USSR. Fresh and old jokes
Jokes about life in the USSR existed not only to laugh and cheer up. They had a more important task - to maintain the morale of the Soviet people. Now it is quite possible to say: Soviet jokes are already outdated. There are many modern jokes that will be more understandable and interesting to contemporaries
How to prank friends on the first of April: the best jokes and practical jokes
Have you ever played pranks on your friends? Didn't know how? In this article, we'll show you how to do this. Prank your friends on April Fool's Day, joke in a friendly company and add positivity to your relationship with friends with funny pranks
Jokes about doctors and patients
A collection of the funniest jokes about doctors is presented for your judgment. Their heroes are doctors of various speci alties
