Jokes about doctors and patients

2024 Author: Leah Sherlock | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 05:25

A collection of the funniest jokes about doctors is presented for your judgment. So let's get started.

Good doctor

The first of these jokes about doctors belongs to the black humor section. In the operating room, a surgeon is leaning over a patient, behind him stands his assistant with a huge axe. Surgeon says: “Chop off the patient's right leg!” Assistant: “Bake.” Doctor: “I said the left one!” Assistant: "Tuk." The surgeon says, "I said leg." Ax Sound: "Bake".

Here is one of the most recent jokes about doctors and patients. The doctor asks the patient: “What worries you, my dear?”. He answers him: “Everything hurts me.” The doctor says: “Well, it’s you, my friend, that have parted ways! You can’t do that! You don’t have enough money for everything! "".

Fateful mistake

Another anecdote about a doctor, which belongs to the genre of black humor. The patient comes to the surgeon and asks: "Doctor, castrate me as soon as possible!". The doctor is at a loss. He tries to dissuade the patient from this decisive step: "But you are still too young!".

The patient does not let up: "I will pay any money, just castrate me as soon as possible." Finally, after three hours of persuasion, the doctor finally agreed. Whenthe operation was completed, the doctor could not stand it and still asked the patient why he needed such abuse of himself. The young man says: “But, you see, doctor, I married a Jewish woman, and they have such a tradition …” The doctor threw up his hands: “So you had to be circumcised?” The man asks: “What did I say?”.

Many funny jokes about doctors tell about representatives of such a medical speci alty as a psychiatrist. Here are some of them.

Psychiatry

A psychiatric patient writes a note to his relatives: "The food here is good. The attitude of doctors towards patients is normal. There is even a swimming pool. Sometimes we jump into it from a tower. The doctor said that if we behave well, then he pour water there."

A medical board is coming to the psychiatric hospital. The doctor asks the patient who is fishing in the toilet in the toilet: “Well, how is it caught?” The patient replies indignantly: “The doctor, of course, is not caught! What kind of fish can be in the toilet?” The doctor says: "Well, dear, you will soon be able to be discharged!". The commission left, and the mental patient says: "They found a fool! Am I crazy to give out fish places?".

Jokes about doctors and traditional healers

A married couple from Europe came to the doctor and said: “We have not been able to have a child for several years. Advise something, doctor!". The doctor thought for a long time, leafing through medical reference books, but could not say anything, except: "You need to go toSiberian taiga, there is a healer there who might solve your problem.”

Well, the couple spared no expense, traveled several thousand kilometers and finally found this doctor. When they asked him how to cope with their misfortune, he answered them: “Guys, are you serious?”

There is also such an anecdote about doctors and folk healers:

A man came to the doctor and said: “I have terrible pain in the groin area.” The doctor examined him for a long time and made a decision: “It is necessary to amputate the genitals!” The man says: “Maybe, you can still do something so as not to cut?". The doctor said that only one grandmother, who is knowledgeable in such matters, can help him in this. Well, the man, of course, went to this old woman. The grandmother says: "Oh, these doctors! They should cut everything, but cut! Here, my dear, drink this drug. Have you drunk? Now jump, jump! The testicles will fall off by themselves.”

A patient enters the surgeon's office. He stumbles, falls, twists his leg, breaks his arm, hits his head. Crawls to the doctor's table and says: "I just want to ask…".

On the eve of Valentine's Day, a man comes to the gift shop and says: "How much is that big beautiful red ass?" The saleswoman says: "300 rubles, but it's not an ass, but a heart.", I have been in medicine for 30 years and know what a real heart looks like."

Once again about medicine

- Doctor, what can you say about my he alth?

- Youyou can take a loan.

- But I can't pay. My salary is low.

- You don't have to.

- Doctor, how long do I have to take the drops you prescribed?

- All my life.

- But right there it says that the period of taking the medicine is limited to three months.

- So I tell you this.

- Doctor, I think I have the flu…

- Yes, and apparently a pig. After all, only pigs call an ambulance at night at a temperature of 36.8!

- You are a genius, doctor! The medicine you gave me brought me back to life in two days!

- This pharmacist is a genius. Instead of a recipe, I gave you a piece of paper on which I painted a pen.