The best military stories. military humor

2024 Author: Leah Sherlock | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 05:25

A lot of characteristic tales have been circulating among the military since time immemorial. They always differ from everyday, everyday ones in some nuances of military humor. Many military tales were written down from boredom at night by duty officers, there are many of them from military operations - these stories are passed from mouth to mouth for generations.

Retired

This is one of the most famous military tales of the Great Patriotic War. At the front was an elderly collective farmer 60 years old. At that moment, the key task was to survive, and everyone was sent to the front line. He had documents with records that he had not served at all before.

Since the pensioner was from the village, he was assigned as a driver to the field kitchen. They thought that he could handle the horses. They gave the hero of the military tales of the Second World War an old three-ruler, cartridges. The pensioner began to deliver food to the front line. The task turned out to be not too difficult, but important, because a hungry fighter is not a fighter. War is war, but lunch is on schedule.

Sometimes he had to be late. Don't be late during the bombing! It is better to bring a cooled, but whole porridge than slurry spilled on the ground. So the hero of the military wentbikes for about a month. And once he went on his new flight. It was necessary to transport food to the headquarters, and then to the front line. He harnessed the Sivka and drove off. The journey took about half an hour.

The radio sent to the front line: “Wait, the kitchen is being eaten. Prepare your spoons. The fighters began to wait - an hour, two, three. We got excited. And the road is quiet. And there is no bombardment, and there is no kitchen. They call headquarters. And there the answer is: “We didn’t return!”

Sent 3 fighters to the route where the kitchen went, to see how it is. Soon the fighters saw such a picture. There is a downed horse on the route, and nearby the kitchen is covered in traces of bullets. A pensioner sits on it and groans.

At his feet lies 7 fascist bodies in protective cloaks. Dead, in excellent gear. Apparently saboteurs. They wanted to break into the headquarters. The fighters' eyes widened: "Who did this?" “I am,” the calm old man replies. "How?" - does not believe the foreman. “But he put them all out of Berdana,” the driver points to his antique weapons.

Sent a pensioner to the headquarters to sort it out. It turned out that the non-combatant old man was a hereditary Siberian hunter. Squirrel gets in the eye. While riding on the front line for a month, out of boredom he shot with his weapons. As soon as there was an attack, he hid behind the kitchen and single-handedly shot a whole sabotage group with a gun.

But the Nazis did not hide too much, they went straight to the kitchen. Hungry? Or maybe they wanted to clarify the way to the headquarters from the old man? They never expected that the Russian grandfather would poke them one by one with their noses into the ground.

How it ended

The pensioner was awarded a medal, transferred to snipers. He reached Prague, and then was commissioned. After the war, he told this military story to his grandchildren. Explained why he was given awards.

School of saboteurs

One of the most popular military tales is “The diary of a future saboteur”. It is scheduled by day.

Day 1. So I ended up in the school of saboteurs. The colonel came and said that we were very lucky - our training will be according to the latest programs. No one leaves alive until the end of the course. If someone decides to leave - that bonus: execution out of turn.

Day 2. The sergeant came. He will train us. He announced that he would teach us secret ninja techniques. It is believed that the ninja themselves have not heard of such techniques. But the sergeant showed the results of his studies - he broke the rail with his head, chewed his helmet. Everyone is in shock…

Day 3. Started preparing for school. It turned out that the colonel had a strange sense of humor - there was a joke about the execution, but everyone believed it. Well, never mind, one day he will climb a pole with our fins.

Day 5. The whole day we learned how to dig holes at speed, using the methods of beavers, and jump over them. By the end of the day, everyone was jumping over 7-meter pits with ease. Jumping was stimulated by the sergeant. The presence of barbed wire at the bottom of the pits aroused increased diligence in the fighters. Therefore, 7 meters is not the limit.

Day 9. Today we spent jumping over fences. 2-meter took all at once. The wisdom of the sergeant, the presence of barbed wire, planks with nails prompted them to jump over them. This night, by the way, many jumped over the fence and went AWOL.

Day 10. The fences were completed to 7 meters. The wisdom of the sergeant, the presence of barbed wire, planks with nails motivated to overcome 5 meters in height. This night, all those who did not go yesterday went AWOL, as it became a shame.

Day 11. Wall crawling started. So far, not so good. The sergeant promised to motivate, as everyone can climb walls, even stupid monkeys.

Day 12. Continue wall crawling. It started to get better. But we keep falling. The wisdom of the sergeant, the presence of planks with nails, barbed wire, which are laid out below, help to keep the wall.

Day 13. Crawling started with great confidence. Only Ivanov is afraid of heights, and at the level of the 5th floor he loses his lunch, but does not fall, remains. Doesn't want to let the sergeant down.

Day 14. The unit commander came in. He demanded a self-driving schedule. There are no detectors designed for ninja. The sergeant was dissatisfied, muttered: "Let them take a walk …". He then promised to set up some surprise traps and flog anyone who got caught. And the detectors, as he says, are for brainless pigeons, not for saboteurs…

Day 15 Yesterday the sergeant fell into his own trap. Everyone waited all day to see if he would flog himself. But that did not happen. But at night, everyone in a crowd began to search for traps. We found a lot of trophies: surprise traps - 10 pieces, anti-tank mines - 6 pieces, pistols for underwater shooting - 3 pieces, a box of white F1 grenades - 1 piece, and even battered logs with titanium tips - 2 pieces. All trophies are hidden inkapterkah, but could not stand it and placed a couple secretly. All night wondering which part was here before.

Day 16. The wise sergeant lost his cool. He fell into both traps and was like a freshly painted chameleon all day long. He taught me to throw spoons and forks, because, according to the sergeant, any fool knows how to handle knives. I made a promise to teach throwing umbrellas tomorrow.

Day 17. Learned to throw umbrellas. A correctly thrown umbrella, as the sergeant said, is capable of penetrating 5 mm plywood at a distance of 20 m. His arm is stuffed, he showed it from 100 m.

This military tale has a great humorous sequel.

Military pilots

The following tale of military pilots was told by my grandfather, who went through the entire WWII. She is true. The story took place in the Far East in the spring of 1945. Soviet aircraft, or rather, some of their similarities - maize - had to patrol the air borders. It was all about the constant Japanese raids. Grandfather in one squadron fought with a man whose name has already been forgotten over the years.

And in one raid the man's plane was on fire. He managed to jump with a parachute, successfully landed.

Who has ever seen a burning cornfield? It is unlikely that anyone saw, but, according to the grandfather, he begins to weigh himself unpredictably. Before the final fall, it turned several times in the sky, and then fell behind the hill.

And these last circles turned out to bedangerous - the plane had already pierced the fuel tank, and, spinning, he poured fuel on the catapulted hero. His parachute, poured with fuel, flared up instantly, and he fell to the ground like a stone.

Subsequently, the command gave the order to find and bury the pilot. They searched for him for a long time, but when they found him, they were shocked.

Everyone who has been to the Far East knows that snow lies there for a very long time, sometimes until summer.

The shocked search party found a broken pilot who was alive. He fell into a ravine between the hills, glided about 8 kilometers, and then quieted down.

Thanks to such lucky heroes, the territory in the Far East is called Russia!

About Cole-Drake

The following navy tale is also considered a true story. Captain 3rd rank Kolya Bulgakov operated a sea minesweeper. He was a dashing commander, for which he had the nickname Admiral Drake. There was in time immemorial a pirate with that name, who eventually became a peer of England.

As is often the case, while performing his duties away from commanders and loved ones, the captain became addicted to the “green snake”.

And one day the minesweeper went to guard the borders. In those days, the Japanese celebrated their national holiday - Northern Territories Day.

Local residents, who considered Russian stones as their property, took to the water in junks. There is a tense situation.

Russian heroic minesweeper at sea is surrounded by dozens of Japanese junks. A Babylonian pandemonium was formed. Of course, you can drown them, give more speed, but this is no longertense situation rather than open conflict. And you can't hide in the drift, as the "opponents" dreamed of being on board the minesweeper.

Kolya Drake decided to make a move by adding momentum. The minesweeper is gaining quickly, and the maneuver was successful. Several junks dodged, and one split in half like an eggshell. The fishermen, who had just cherished the dream of taking revenge on their historical enemy, were already dreaming not to drown. After all, no matter how you grab onto posters with hieroglyphs, they will not add buoyancy.

Kolya-Drake, even tipsy, did not lose his head. He gave "Man overboard!" and pulled the nearly drowned men onto the deck. Their brethren were in no hurry to help. And then Drake thought. There was an incident resembling an international scandal. Drake didn't like this one.

So the hero of the naval tale gave the radio to the base. Everyone there was shocked, sent a boat to the scene of the incident with the high headquarters command.

While the boat was going there, Drake began to sort things out with the owner of the junk. He, of course, did not know Russian. In addition, he started coughing and sneezing suspiciously. Kolya began to treat the samurai, took out the commander's reserve.

After a couple of hours the boat approached the minesweeper. Without listening to the report of the watch officer, the energetic caprice went to the commander's cabin. Other inspectors followed him. Capraz pushed the door open and it swung open revealing an unforgettable scene.

Having his arms around the thin shoulders of a foreigner, Drake sang very loudly: "On this day, the samurai decided …". And the captain of the junk with all diligence sang along with him. On the table waslarge bottle of alcohol. The commander's safe was opened, and Makarov and some documents could be seen from it. Drake raised his swollen eyes to those who entered, and, with difficulty moving his tongue, uttered the only foreign word that he had learned over the long school years: "Freundschaft …"

A month later, Captain Nikolai Bulgakov became the commander of the Mashka base minesweeper. In the darkness of the Pacific Fleet with the name Timofeevka.

But he didn't stay there long either. He had horse he alth, he believed that his subordinates should be the same. For this reason, in his ship kingdom, people went half-dressed, with holes in their "reptiles", in rags to match the pirates.

Once upon a time, another commission came to Masha. The inspection began. Drake put his guys out. The view of the sailors was terrifying. But morale is excellent!

The inspectors were stunned, examining the sailors, they heard dashing words from the ragamuffins: “Sailor Vasechkin. Well-fed, shod, I like service in the Navy. Ready to stay for overtime!”

Then the command's patience ran out. The hero of many naval tales was demobilized with humor. Drake began to serve as a pilot somewhere on the Dnieper. But even there he repeatedly became a hero, providing a lot of material for naval tales with humor by his actions.

From Chechnya

This funny military tale from Chechnya became popular. A good guy returned from there, far from computers, like elephants from Antarctica. He did not like to remember this period, but he told one story.

The battle for the settlement, the village, in other words, has begun. Ours sat behind the house, andChechens - in a brick building, shooting through the street from there. It was impossible to use artillery or aircraft. And the Chechens, using a convenient situation, mercilessly shelled everything around.

The bullets from the AK-47 often ricochet, and ours were not too comfortable. And among them was one guy, a conscript, a system administrator. It is unclear how he got there. And when the stray bullet flew over his head again, his nerves could not stand it, and he shouted “IDDQD !!!” rushed to the attack.

The others all rushed after him. Surprisingly, the militants were so shocked by the arrogance of the enemy that they missed the moment when the group, shouting something unimaginable in unison, broke into the house. The kishlak was taken. Someone was injured, of course, but in general, serious troubles did not happen. The system administrator escaped with a fright, despite the fact that he was the first to rush.

That evening, ours asked the daredevil what he was shouting. The answer was silence, and then: “Have you heard anything about DOOM?” You will laugh, but the code word has become a talisman for a whole detachment for the entire Chechen company.

Our hero's eyes became 5 kopecks each when he was told what it meant (IDDQD is a DOOM game cheat code that gives invulnerability). And this funny military tale proves like nothing better that games are not useless. The bike is entirely based on real events.

In the Cold War

There are also quite a few Cold War military tales. A period of tense confrontation began between the greatest powers, the Cuban missile crisis broke out. The relationship was far from ideal, it smelled of a nuclear war. ATin the sky, the pilots provoked each other.

And once the exercises began somewhere over the seas. 2 Soviet Tu-163 tankers were in the air, and then 2 NATO fighters formed behind them. They hung on the tail and began to behave arrogantly. Most likely, tankers were confused with bombers or they wanted to play on the nerves of our pilots.

Our pilot of one of the Tu-163s sends to the second Soviet pilot: “Kalmar-4, attention, release the ELECTRONIC CAPTURE.”

A moment of confusion, and then the wingman HAS REACHED, and a long fuel hose crawls out of our tanker.

Fighters received every word on the radio and are perplexed.

"I'm Octopus-3, the release of the electronic capture is complete. Ready for the task!"

"Octopus 3, watch out… GRAB THE RIGHT!"

And then two fighters instantly go down sharply, fly away from Soviet aircraft.

Damn them, these Russians…

This is also a true Cold War war story.

Grandfather

There are stories that aren't funny at all. This took place in 1942. Grandfather was the commander of a gunboat in the B altic. He was honest by nature, did not offend his subordinates, did not hide behind his backs, beat the Nazis on orders.

In one of the voyages, his boat was battered by a fascist battleship. She left under cover. The battleship refused to pursue, hoping that in the minefield into which the boat entered, it would simply blow up.

Grandfather, raking mines with his hands, left the pursuer in the smoke.

It was October, in the B altic the water temperature is a little over 10 degrees. Whomsend?

The boatswain is elderly, the sailors are almost all wounded, only he and the mechanic remained. Both swam in turn, changing every 5 minutes, pushing the mines away. Received serious hypothermia, but managed to save the ship by passing through a minefield, spending all the smoke bombs from the pursuit.

Upon returning to Kronstadt, the entire team was sent to the hospital. Someone needed to be treated, and someone needed to be warmed up. Then the grandfather was assigned to the star of the Hero, and the mechanic was given the Order of Glory.

A couple of weeks later, the hero of this story was in the hospital, warming himself with alcohol with the head of the economic department. They are countrymen, they communicate for life.

And then the head of the economic unit suggests that his grandfather arrange a business in Russian: cut the sailors' rations from the sailors' rations, and cut the profit from the sale in half. It was a shame for my grandfather in St. Petersburg to sell sailor rations for coins, he could not stand it and hit the head of the economic department on the head.

End

There was a noise, uproar, an attack on a senior officer, a court… Grandfather did not tell anything at the court.

The Star of the Hero was not given to him, but the title was stripped. He was sent to the penal company to protect Peter.

Wounded, returned to the fleet as a sailor. He graduated from the war in Koenigsberg and until the very demobilization he controlled the sailor's rations clearly upon receipt and issuance.

Final information

Tales are stories based on real events. Sometimes the narrator can add color by embellishing some details. And yet, in fact, these events occurred. Including thisexplains their popularity among the people. They listen to military tales in MP3, they tell everywhere where people related to military affairs gather.