"Emotional blackmail": content, main ideas of the work, a useful guide to psychology and relationships

2024 Author: Leah Sherlock | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 05:25

There are some things in our life that a person simply needs to know from a very early age. However, no one teaches them to us. At school, we get acquainted with the laws of the universe, history and other entertaining things. But at the same time, no one thinks to teach us how to survive in society, while maintaining our integrity and personality. Probably, it is believed that such lessons should be taught to a person by parents. However, sometimes they themselves do not know how. The result of such illiteracy is a life that we go through literally by touch, constantly encountering people who use us for their own purposes.

The book "Emotional Blackmail", written by Susan Forward, will allow us to somewhat resolve the situation. The author is a well-known American psychologist who has created many world bestsellers. The popularity of her works can be explained by the fact that they are a kind of manual for restoring he althy relationships between people.

The author of "Emotional Blackmail" Susan Forward hosts her own talk show on the radio, while having a large psychotherapeutic practice. She has many grateful clients and readers. And this is confirmed by the warm words that these people leave on the pages of Susan Forward on a professional website and in social networks.

About the book

What does Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail tell us about? The author of the book describes typical situations in life when we hear reproaches from loved ones, and often undeserved ones. After all, it often happens that a person does everything for the well-being of the family, and household members, taking advantage of this, force him to fulfill their whims.

In her book Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward notes that the words of friends and family can hurt much more than even the most caustic remarks of strangers. What was said by loved ones puts pressure on a sense of duty, increases fears and gives rise to guilt. This gradually turns a person into malleable clay for manipulation.

How to change existing relationships? The answer to this question can also be found in the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. Understanding what is the main driving force for the blackmailer is capable of correcting the situation. You also need to pay attention to your behavior. Indeed, often the victim is equally to blame with the blackmailer, as he plays along with him.

Reading Susan Forward's book "Emotional Blackmail", every person feels likeseeing a psychotherapist. At the same time, he receives answers to his questions concerning the manipulation of his loved ones, and also learns to respond correctly to such a situation and do everything so as not to harm friendly and family relations.

Susan Forward has created this manual on psychology, in which, with her usual insight, she analyzed the nature of this phenomenon. But that's not all. She offered her reader a step-by-step methodology that would allow them to get out of the vicious circle, directing the relationship in a he althy direction.

Emotional Blackmail is easy to read and can captivate anyone. In it, the author describes:

• four types of blackmailers;
• seventeen levers of pressure to influence the victim of blackmail;
• one hundred and twelve examples of various life situations;
• one proven technique for restoring normal relationships.

What is emotional blackmail?

"I'll die if you pack up and leave!", "What an egoist you are!". These and similar phrases are familiar to most people. Such language is a powerful form of manipulation known as emotional blackmail.

Hearing this concept, any man in the street is likely to be wary. After all, when you pronounce the word "blackmail", a picture of terrible crimes and extortion immediately arises in the mind. Of course, applying such a term to the actions of a husband, parents, relatives or children is quite difficult. However, Susan Forward is convinced that this word most accurately describeshappening.

Sometimes the method of manipulation is called misunderstanding. Nevertheless, the source of disagreement, according to the American psychologist, is in the actions of a person who seeks to achieve his own and do it at the expense of someone else. It is difficult to call such a misunderstanding. After all, this is a real struggle.

By emotional blackmail, the best-selling author refers to a powerful form of manipulation in which close people indirectly or directly threaten their loved one with trouble if he does not do what they need.

Manipulator actions

A person who is constantly faced with a situation where people close to him regularly seek various concessions, and he, against his will, follows their lead, is quite possibly a victim of emotional blackmail. That being said, psychologist Susan Forward warns that the demands can be endless. Emotional blackmailers are not satisfied for long. The man yields to him. He concentrates on the needs of the blackmailer, while forgetting about himself. Such an act creates a kind of illusion of security, which takes place for a while. At the same time, the victim believes that he has kept the peace by avoiding conflict. However, in reality, what a person considered a temporary disagreement or misunderstanding, for a blackmailer serves as a way to allow him to get his way.

Susan Forward classifies these manipulators into four types. To each of them, she attributed people with a corresponding model of behavior. Consider their description in more detail.

The Punishers

Emotional blackmailers of this type openly make their demands, while explaining the punishment that awaits a person if they are not met. In the behavior of "punishers" open aggression is most often manifested. But sometimes such people achieve their goal by silence. This behavior is passive-aggressive. The main feature of manipulators lies in the fact that their threats and anger are directed directly at a person close to them. So, for example, a wife can tell her husband that if he divorces her, he will no longer be able to see his children.

In addition, the punishers threaten to make the life of the victim unbearable, being in full readiness to carry out the punishment they have invented. In his book Emotional Blackmail, Forward notes that parents are often this type of manipulator. After all, they have great power over their children, even if they have matured a long time ago. Often such "punisher" parents seek to confirm the effectiveness of their control. They force their adult children to choose between their chosen ones and them.

Sometimes the victim may succumb to such pressure, starting to look for a new partner who would suit the parents. But everything turns out to be futile, because in any person the "punisher" will definitely find a flaw. Why does a person become a victim? Susan Forward explains this phenomenon by saying that it occurs due to close and close relationships,when blackmailers are infinitely believed, despite the arguments and doubts of the mind.

Self-sacrifice

This type of person blackmails with threats that they will harm themselves if they don't get what they want. "Self-Sacrifices" is surrounded by an atmosphere of drama, the threshold of a crisis and hysteria. They do their best to be present in the lives of others, but they are simply not able to take responsibility for their own destiny. The appeal of such people to blackmail is always justified from their point of view. At the same time, they shift the blame for any difficulty to their victim. According to Susan Forward, this type of manipulator has a real talent for making someone completely responsible for everything that happened to them.

Martyrs

These manipulators make their victim guess what they want by claiming that only this person can give it to them. According to the martyr, a relative or friend should be able to read his thoughts. If this does not happen, then he claims that this is evidence of inattention to his personality.

"Martyrs" are silent tyrants. They won't scream or make a scene, but they will hurt, confuse, and generate hostility.

Tempters

This type of people in her book "Emotional Blackmail" Susan Forward describes as the most insidious manipulators. They promise something miraculous to their prey if she yields to them. It can be love or money, promotion and the like. The reward at the same time seems pretty to the personseductive, but he never gets close to her.

Such a division into types by a famous psychologist was made conditionally. Indeed, in real life, there are no clear distinctions in the behavior of manipulators. All of them use various methods and combinations of blackmail, depending on the goal.

Despite the hard-hitting description of manipulative behavior, Susan Forward emphasizes that most of the time these people are not monsters. After all, the manipulations they carry out are due to their inner vision of life.

Psychology of a blackmailer

In the first half of his book, S. Forward shows the reader with concrete examples how emotional manipulation works and why some people are especially vulnerable to it. In addition, the author explains in detail the very principle of such blackmail and tells what each of the parties wants and what they get as a result.

S. Forward explores the psychology of the manipulator, pointing out that, despite the division into types, all blackmailers have common character traits that can fuel their behavior. A well-known psychologist explains that these people use the fear of the victim, her feelings of guilt and duty, as well as some other tools. All this allows us to understand what drives emotional blackmailers.

Susan Forward explains to her reader that the common feature of such people is the fear of being rejected, losing power or losing something. The reason for thisthere may be a prolonged feeling of anxiety and own inadequacy. Any negative events in his life can turn a person into a blackmailer, such as retirement, job loss, divorce, or a breakup with a loved one (beloved). For such people, manipulation of loved ones becomes a means of control over the situation, which allows them to feel confident enough and no longer experience insecurity and fear.

The role of the victim

In her book Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward argues that the blackmailer would not have become like this without the help of the person he is manipulating. In other words, two people participate in such an action. What is the role of the object of blackmail in this?

Each person brings a piece of his personal to the relationship. It can be hostility and fears, insecurities, regrets and resentments. They are his vulnerable points, the touch of which will certainly cause pain. Emotional blackmail will only be effective if others know where the person's weak spot is. How can such a situation be avoided? To do this, you need to become courageous and understand yourself. This will allow you to change your relationship with those who are potential blackmailers.

Forward Susan's book "Emotional Blackmail" explicitly states that you must not give in to someone who manipulates you. After all, this only complicates the situation. Obedience to the demands put forward by the blackmailer encourages him. With our concessions, consciously or not, we make it clear to the manipulator that everything is hisactions can be taken in the future.

The price the victim pays

Emotional blackmail spreads like wildfire. Tenacious tentacles of manipulation can reach any area of our lives. Moreover, making concessions at work, a person may encounter the same at home. Here the blackmailers will be their own children. And bad relationships with parents pour out in the form of negative emotions on the spouse. Thus, according to S. Forward, emotional blackmail cannot be “packed in a box”, which could then be put away somewhere far away.

People who play the role of a victim sometimes copy a stereotype of behavior that makes them suffer. Thus, they themselves gradually turn into blackmailers, starting to pour out their frustration and dissatisfaction on someone who is weaker and more vulnerable than him.

Transition to normal relations

What will it take to stop the emotional blackmail? The authors of many manuals on psychology sought to give their own answer to this question. Susan Forward argues that the transition to he althy relationships between people lies, first of all, in changes. The victim must begin to act on her own, and for this she will have to take a step in a new direction.

In the second part of the book "Emotional Blackmail", the author offers the reader many options to choose the most acceptable solution for himself. All this will allow not to succumb to manipulation even if there is fear in the soul.consequences. The tips of a famous psychologist will allow a person not to lose self-control and stop feeling guilty.

Here, in the second part of the book, the author proposes a questionnaire, explains simple exercises, and also presents scenarios for their application in practice and specific strategic defense methods.

One of the most important results that the reader will be able to get after reading this book is the reduction and management of the feelings of guilt inspired by the blackmailer.