2024 Author: Leah Sherlock | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 05:25
Probably, jokes about the army appeared also because the privates live as fun as the students. But keep in mind: if you are taught, fed, dressed and treated for free, it is possible that there is a parade ground outside the windows, and a ferocious ensign nearby!
From the life of privates and officers
Once, lard was stolen from Private Zilberman's nightstand. He complained to the sergeant.
- Do Jews eat salo? he asked in surprise.
- So I didn’t eat, - answered Zilberman. - I lubricated the calluses on their heels …
That's when Private Poke got sick.
The political officer asks a soldier why he went to serve in the army:
- So this is… I want to protect the country.
- Stop stuttering! What else?
- The army will make a real man out of me.
- Yes. More!
- Actually, no one asked me…
Private returns from AWOL. The general is facing him. Private salutes:
- Good morning, Comrade Major!
- What kind of major am I to you? Can't you see - there are stripes on the trousers, an oak wreath on the cockade?
- Ah, forester? However, you scared me!
- The "Soldier of Fortune" unit has been created and is actively functioning in the Russian army, - says the general.
- Oh! And what service do they serve?
- Carry out planting and weeding work at the general's dachas.
Soldier sends grenade to grandma: "Grandma, pull the ring and I'll get three days' vacation!".
Demobilization soldier arrives home:
- Mom! It's me! I'm here!
Mother without looking up from the computer:
- Why is it taking so long? I'm already starting to worry…
- Mom, I'm actually back from the army.
- Private Vasin! Suppose you are standing at your post and you see that a person is crawling towards you. What will you do?
- I'll take my comrade battalion commander home.
The Colonel is trying to tell a joke. The officers laugh. All but one.
- Aren't you funny, Comrade Lieutenant?
- Nope. I'm not from your unit at all, Comrade Colonel.
Little colonel's daughter whining to her father:
- Dad! And let the elephants still run!
- Daughter, the elephants are tired.
- Well, pa-a-pa…
- Ah, you are my swallow… Well, okay. Rota, put on gas masks!
Two old women went to the forest for mushrooms and got lost. They strayed, strayed, suddenly they see - an ensign meets them. They rejoiced to him too:
- Comrade officer, are we on the right way to the station?
- Nothing is right. Who walks like that?The foot is fuzzy and the knees wobble.
Where did you serve, bro?
Jokes about the army, as a rule, are not common. Because different branches of the military have their own jokes. It cannot be otherwise.
But they say that from next year only those who cannot swim will be drafted into the navy. Can you imagine how they will protect their ships?
On the plane, the major announces to the company of paratroopers:
- So. Flying to Afghanistan.
The faces of the soldiers grow grim.
- For the head of each killed dushman, the command undertakes to pay a bonus of a thousand dollars! - adds commander.
The plane comes in for landing, travels along the runway, stops. Soldiers rush in all directions. And after a while they return, each with several heads in their hands.
- What are you guys, - mutters the pale major. - We landed in Tashkent, just to refuel…
- Why were you discharged from the submarine?
- It got stuffy and I opened the window…
The most unpleasant phrase for a sapper: "One foot here - the other there".
A border guard with a dog walk along the border strip. Suddenly they hear a rustle. The border guard says to the dog:
- Who is this? Go take a look!
- Go yourself. I can bark from here too!
Hello! Who's there?
All and sundry laugh about the quality of communication in the army. Therefore, jokes about signalmen in the army are separate.
Kids fromthe construction battalion will be replaced by an excavator, and a bad signalman will come - and why do you need a new tractor?
Communicator's prayer: "Lord, hear me! One-one-one…".
Communication is like air: until you mess it up, no one notices.
A woman called the Society for the Protection of Animal Rights:
- Hello? In my yard, a postman climbed onto a pole, sits and swears obscenely at my shepherd dog!
Communication is the study of contacts. Where they should be, they are not, and where they should not be, there are always!
Army jokes start when you're still in civilian life…
Did you hear? The Ministry of Defense is holding an action: bring two "clients" with you - and get an exemption from military service.
- Well, then, - the military commissar is quietly interested in the conscript who dreams of cutting down. - Two thousand dollars or a construction battalion?
- Well, so, - shows the conscript in response to the included camera. - YouTube or white ticket?
Military enlistment office medical board. Optometrist, shows the top line of the table:
- See?
Conscript:
- I see!
Doctor:
- And below?
Conscript:
- I see the second, but not the third.
- You will go to the snipers. Who's next?
The next one says he can't see below the second line.
- Understood, the doctor replies. - You in the fleet. Next!
Another guy says that he doesn't see a single line from the table at all.
- Well, you're a sly one! Go scout!
French army jokes
And here are anecdotes and jokes about the French army that have become classics.
French and English detachments stood against each other.
- Gentlemen, you start first! - the French commander turned to the British.
- Well, no. Get started!
- Shoot, gentlemen!
- No! We'll wait for you, the British persisted.
…The eighty-sixth year of the Hundred Years War dragged on painfully…
- Gustav, why did your company run away?
- You said it yourself, Colonel: act like in war!
- When will the French army start?
- When the enemy comes to her rear!
- Is it true that there is no such thing in the world that could not be used as a weapon?
- Not true. There is also the French army.
- What are you looking for here, Paul?
- Yes, I see where the Russians will attack from.
- Why would you?
- Tell your people where to run, if anything.
Go to war without the French army? Yes, it's like going hunting without an accordion!
There is always a choice: keep standing in one place like the French, or do something already!
- How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
- And who knows. Never before in historyhappened!
Short and fun
And here are the shortest jokes about the army.
A real paratrooper will first run as far as he can, and then as much as he has to.
A platoon of Estonian scouts, trying not to make a fuss, sneaked up to the enemy headquarters. In a month, residents of all the surrounding villages managed to look at it.
It's clear why the army wakes up at six in the morning: the only thing you want to do in the early morning is kill.
Invented a new army Rubik's Cube. For junior officers - monophonic, for senior officers - monolithic.
Well, and finally:
I want to serve, but better as a general!
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